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Mary Jo Cleaver's avatar

My grandchildren gave me a subscription to a guided memoir. Nice gift, you get to do all the work and the result is a book you can give them back. I love it.

The prompt for one of the chapters is "what advice would you give your 20-year-old self." This is part of the chapter I wrote, using Everything Everywhere All At Once as the theme:

"The premise of the movie is that every decision we make creates an alternate universe and all of those alternate universes are out there creating other alternate universes. Somehow, this multiverse got broken and Evelyn must fix it. Because her life decisions were so mundane, she is the only person in the whole multiverse who can do so without destroying everything.

I think.

I searched online for an explanation of the film. This Google AI synopsis seemed as good as any: “The Movie Is A Celebration Of The Freedom A Meaningless Life Brings. Though never expressly stated, Everything Everywhere All at Once suggests that what makes life meaningful is the recognition that, because life has no inherent meaning, all things and moments are equally meaningful.”

Hmmm. When I watch a movie, I try to go along with its premise. Really, I do.

But life has no meaning? Every moment has the same meaning as every other moment? Can’t do it. Can’t wrap my head around it.

Existentially, the most meaningful moments in our lives are the moment we are born—which we do not remember—and the moment we die, when we leave this physical world and can’t report back. I concede that between those significant events all moments are equally meaningful, as each second after birth brings us one second closer to death. Cheerful, huh?

But on a lived basis, the moments of our lives do not and cannot be equally meaningful. In fact, if they were equally meaningful, the entire concept of meaningful could not exist. There cannot be meaningful without meaningless. There cannot be life without death; happiness without sadness; light without darkness; warmth without cold; either love or hate without indifference. How would we know we are happy if we had never experienced sadness? Happy would not be happy; it would be normal—which we could not have without abnormal.

A question: if every moment has the same meaning, how could the multiverse have been broken in the first place? If there is only one person in the entire multiverse who could fix it, then there must have been some moment, somewhere, that had meaning.

As I see it, the thesis presented by the movie is the antithesis to life. If we could go back and fix it, why do it at all? An absurd example: if we wanted to kill someone to see how it feels, we could—and then we could go back and fix it. There would be no consequences to anything. The fact that there is no multiverse, there is no chance to go back and do it over is exactly what gives our lives meaning. It is exactly what motivates us to do good, or evil if that is what we prefer.

So what advice would I give to my 20-year-old self?

If there were a multiverse; this question would make sense—sort of. If you’re not happy with your life, go back and fix it. But even in a multiverse, there’s a problem: when you change one thing, the cascade of changes that follows may not be what you expected or wanted.

To wit. I dropped out of college after one semester. I flew out to Massachusetts where my fiancé was stationed, and where he and I each married the wrong person. I was 18 years old; he was 19. Besides being too young, we were completely mismatched and, as a result, our marriage was not happy. We fought (a lot) and, ten years later, we divorced.

Should I go back and not get married? Seems like a good idea. Stay in Janesville. Finish college. Date other people. Marry the right person. But wait! In those ten years, we brought two children into the world. And now, more than 50 years after getting married, I also have four grandchildren. I love my children. I adore my grandchildren. Knowing what I know now and looking back, would I wish my children and grandchildren away? Not a chance.

I am contented with my life. I’ve experienced great pain and great happiness. I have done good things and I have caused pain to others. I am happy with the first and I regret the second. But they all add up to who I am now.

All of those moments good and bad, terrible and wonderful, make us who we are today. If we aren’t happy with who we are today, we can’t fix the past, we can only change what we do now and hope it works out better."

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